A. K. A. Emma March

At the time I write this I have not officially changed my name to Emma March.  This will be my next important step in a long process to becoming a 'woman', and I do this with sincerity.

 There are those who call by present status, 'Transgender' as if to say I am one of a multitude of variations different from being rigidly male or female.  When I am referred to as a Transsexual, it may bring to mind what others call 'She-Male'; a person with the sole desire present as a woman, and yet wishes to perform sexually as a functional man.  The correct definition of a 'Transsexual' is a person who believes that their gender is opposite of their assigned sex given to them at birth, and is now seeking to rectify this disparity and to achieve a measure of self-fulfillment.  I am at this time, and what I am doing is, transitioning from a man (sex) to becoming woman (sex).  My gender, which I know myself to be, has always been female.

Rediscovering my gender in my middle years says a lot about the times and culture I grew up in.  Only the very brave can express their truest feeling openly with parents, brothers and sisters, friends and relatives.  In my situation what I might have said as a child was not very well received.  I learned quickly what was disapproving and what was needed to earn 'love'.

The times were the 1960's and 70's when I was growing up.  In an Afro-American (Black) family just barely making it in the middle-class, my parents pressured us to do better than everyone else, and this became the all-driving force in my life.  I did achieve what my parents wished at a cost few would understand.

If you where my parents, what would do if you do if I, your son, came to you and said I wanted to be a girl?  Could you go beyond the social pressures and stereotypes to conform and consider my desires, or would you eject me from the home?  Would you try to toughen me up by forcing me to do only gender appropriate activity, or find ways to force me to suppress my desires?

I don't think it was possible to understand then what we come to recognize now, that we are more than just genitalla.  I am much more.

Why change now?  Wound it not be better for all concern just to ignore these passions at my age?  I will, in all likelihood, be dead in twenty years.  What about embarrassing the family?  "You are forcing us to keep a terrible secret."  So, why are you doing this to us?

Repress feeling if left unaddressed will soon or later will trigger a rebellion.  My bad choices, my failed marriage, my disaffection with family, my depression and suicidal thoughts have come as outward expressions of what I have not achieved inside.

A wise and caring Guru looking into the eyes of his most adept student said, "You are responsible for you own happiness."

Sometimes our society finds it hard to understand that happiness can only be obtained in single individual's life as he or she defines it. Please try to understand, when I suffer; I harm others.  When I cannot see a clear image of myself, I will see only a badly distorted image of others.  And if I decide not be happy, living as others would have me live, would they also be willing to give up everything, even their happiness, to do the same for me, or someone else?  I think not.

Call it self-actualization, if you wish; believe in ones-self, or even walking with God.  For the wise say, "Live as if your life will end tomorrow; Make plans as if you will live a thousand years."  Now I ask: "To be (happy) or not to be (happy), that is the question…" then consider which is the nobler course to take?

I am happier now than I have ever been.